'Marriage without strings' : Saudi confronts rise of 'misyar'
'Misyar' marriages allow men and women to have relationships outside traditional marriage, which is seen by some as a loophole
A woman holds an iPhone device showing on its App Store an app for facilitating 'Misyar' marriage, available in Saudi Arabia, in the capital Riyadh on October 29, 2020. – AFP pic, July 5, 2021
THE Muslim no-strings-attached 'misyar' marriage often done in secret is fast pervading Saudi society – a boon for cash-strapped men unable to afford expensive traditional weddings, but deplored by critics for legitimising promiscuity.
The practice, usually a temporary alliance in which the wife waives some conventional marriage rights such as cohabitation and financial support, has been legally permitted in the conservative Muslim kingdom for decades.
More than a dozen interviews with matchmakers and misyar couples – including grooms juggling other conventional marriages – offer a window into a phenomenon still shrouded in secrecy and shame, despite its proliferation.
The testimonies highlight how misyar is seen as a hybrid between marriage and singlehood, benefiting polygamists without the stress of maintaining a second household.
Despite its potential for abuse, it also appeals to some women keen to shun patriarchal expectations of traditional marriages, as well as unmarried couples seeking religious cover for sexual relationships, forbidden by Islam outside wedlock.
"Misyar offers comfort, freedom and companionship that is halal (permitted in Islam)," said a Saudi government employee in his 40s, who has been in such a relationship with a Saudi widow in her 30s for more than two years.
He told AFP he had three children from a separate, conventional marriage, and visits his misyar wife in her Riyadh home "whenever" he wants. He did not say what she gained from the secret alliance.
"My (Saudi) friend has had 11 secret misyar wives. He divorces and marries another, divorces and marries another...," he added, trailing off.
'No dowry'
Saudis, as well as the kingdom's expat workers, can be seen hunting on dating apps and matrimonial websites for such partners.
"Misyar is cheaper. There is no dowry, no obligation," a 40-year-old Egyptian pharmacist in Riyadh told AFP.
He began searching after sending his wife and five-year-old son back to Cairo at the start of the coronavirus pandemic last year, mainly due to rising living costs and an expat levy introduced by Saudi Arabia in recent years.
"Being away from my wife is hard," he said, adding he had been searching for misyar through "khatba" matchmakers on Instagram who charge as much as 5,000 riyals (RM5,500).
"I gave them my preference: weight, size, skin colour... but no match so far."
Such marriages are often short-lived, with most ending in divorce from anywhere between 14 and 60 days, the kingdom's Al-Watan newspaper reported in 2018, citing justice ministry sources.
It is touted by some women as a fleeting escape from spinsterhood or a chance for a fresh beginning for divorcees and widows, who otherwise struggle to remarry.
A close associate of a divorced Syrian woman in Riyadh told AFP she was in a secret misyar relationship because she feared her ex-husband, a Saudi, would legally seek custody of her two children if he discovered that she had remarried.
It is impossible to estimate the number of such marriages, many of which are undocumented.
Saudi clerics say the practice has proliferated since 1996, when the then grand mufti, the kingdom's highest religious authority, legitimised it with an Islamic edict.
But many question the validity of a furtive practice at odds with the main tenets of Islamic marriage, which requires a public declaration.
'Take him to court'
A prominent Riyadh cleric attributed its proliferation to men unwilling to shoulder the full responsibilities of polygamous marriage, which is permitted in Islam as long as all wives are treated equally.
In a 2019 column in the Saudi Gazette daily, columnist Tariq Al-Maeena described misyar as a "license to have multiple partners without much responsibility or expense".
"Reports in the Saudi press have spoken of growing concerns over the number of children fathered by Saudi males in their trips abroad, and abandoned for all practical purposes," he wrote.
Some women are forced to pursue court cases against Saudi men refusing to accept children born into misyar relationships.
"A woman contacted me and said: 'I am a misyar wife and my husband does not recognise my child'," the Riyadh cleric told AFP.
"He says 'the child is not my problem'. I advised her to take him to court and fight for her rights."
Still, women are encouraged socially to turn a blind eye to their husband's misyar adventures.
Fahad Almuais, a matchmaker who says his clients are mostly "polygamists", spoke of one Saudi government worker who kept his misyar relationship hidden from his first wife.
When he began routinely disappearing every weekend, her female neighbour advised the suspicious wife to "stay quiet".
"He married misyar so he wouldn't make (your life) a living hell," Almuais told online news portal Thmanyah, quoting the neighbour.
"Be patient and let him go for the weekend, and the rest of the days he's yours." – AFP, July 5, 2021
The practice, usually a temporary alliance in which the wife waives some conventional marriage rights such as cohabitation and financial support, has been legally permitted in the conservative Muslim kingdom for decades.
More than a dozen interviews with matchmakers and misyar couples – including grooms juggling other conventional marriages – offer a window into a phenomenon still shrouded in secrecy and shame, despite its proliferation.
The testimonies highlight how misyar is seen as a hybrid between marriage and singlehood, benefiting polygamists without the stress of maintaining a second household.
Despite its potential for abuse, it also appeals to some women keen to shun patriarchal expectations of traditional marriages, as well as unmarried couples seeking religious cover for sexual relationships, forbidden by Islam outside wedlock.
"Misyar offers comfort, freedom and companionship that is halal (permitted in Islam)," said a Saudi government employee in his 40s, who has been in such a relationship with a Saudi widow in her 30s for more than two years.
He told AFP he had three children from a separate, conventional marriage, and visits his misyar wife in her Riyadh home "whenever" he wants. He did not say what she gained from the secret alliance.
"My (Saudi) friend has had 11 secret misyar wives. He divorces and marries another, divorces and marries another...," he added, trailing off.
'No dowry'
Saudis, as well as the kingdom's expat workers, can be seen hunting on dating apps and matrimonial websites for such partners.
"Misyar is cheaper. There is no dowry, no obligation," a 40-year-old Egyptian pharmacist in Riyadh told AFP.
He began searching after sending his wife and five-year-old son back to Cairo at the start of the coronavirus pandemic last year, mainly due to rising living costs and an expat levy introduced by Saudi Arabia in recent years.
"Being away from my wife is hard," he said, adding he had been searching for misyar through "khatba" matchmakers on Instagram who charge as much as 5,000 riyals (RM5,500).
"I gave them my preference: weight, size, skin colour... but no match so far."
Such marriages are often short-lived, with most ending in divorce from anywhere between 14 and 60 days, the kingdom's Al-Watan newspaper reported in 2018, citing justice ministry sources.
It is touted by some women as a fleeting escape from spinsterhood or a chance for a fresh beginning for divorcees and widows, who otherwise struggle to remarry.
A close associate of a divorced Syrian woman in Riyadh told AFP she was in a secret misyar relationship because she feared her ex-husband, a Saudi, would legally seek custody of her two children if he discovered that she had remarried.
It is impossible to estimate the number of such marriages, many of which are undocumented.
Saudi clerics say the practice has proliferated since 1996, when the then grand mufti, the kingdom's highest religious authority, legitimised it with an Islamic edict.
But many question the validity of a furtive practice at odds with the main tenets of Islamic marriage, which requires a public declaration.
'Take him to court'
A prominent Riyadh cleric attributed its proliferation to men unwilling to shoulder the full responsibilities of polygamous marriage, which is permitted in Islam as long as all wives are treated equally.
In a 2019 column in the Saudi Gazette daily, columnist Tariq Al-Maeena described misyar as a "license to have multiple partners without much responsibility or expense".
"Reports in the Saudi press have spoken of growing concerns over the number of children fathered by Saudi males in their trips abroad, and abandoned for all practical purposes," he wrote.
Some women are forced to pursue court cases against Saudi men refusing to accept children born into misyar relationships.
"A woman contacted me and said: 'I am a misyar wife and my husband does not recognise my child'," the Riyadh cleric told AFP.
"He says 'the child is not my problem'. I advised her to take him to court and fight for her rights."
Still, women are encouraged socially to turn a blind eye to their husband's misyar adventures.
Fahad Almuais, a matchmaker who says his clients are mostly "polygamists", spoke of one Saudi government worker who kept his misyar relationship hidden from his first wife.
When he began routinely disappearing every weekend, her female neighbour advised the suspicious wife to "stay quiet".
"He married misyar so he wouldn't make (your life) a living hell," Almuais told online news portal Thmanyah, quoting the neighbour.
"Be patient and let him go for the weekend, and the rest of the days he's yours." – AFP, July 5, 2021
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kt notes:
15 years ago I blogged on Malaysian misyar marriages. Attached are 2 posts which I trust will be to your reading pleasure, wakakaka:
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Saturday, May 27, 2006
Malaysian Sex Machines?
Prof Mahmud Zuhdi Abdul Majid, a lecturer in Universiti Malaya's Islamic Academic Studies, has proposed a solution to the alleged issue of ‘gatal-ness’ (lechery) or vice among Muslim women. He didn't mention man’s miang-ness (also, lechery) but his solution may have partial solution to that as well.
Prof Mahmud Zuhdi Abdul Majid
I reckon his innovative proposal may be in response to the recent controversy about women’s lechery raised by an Islamic Party (PAS) politician, Abdul Fatah Harun, the “honourable” PAS member for Rautau Panjang, who told the august (?) house of Parliament “If we see women who don’t have husbands and are divorced not because their husbands are dead, (it must be because) they are ‘gatal sikit’”
The Malaysian word ‘gatal sikit’ literally means ‘a little itchy’ but really means lustful, lecherous or randy.
I reckon his innovative proposal may be in response to the recent controversy about women’s lechery raised by an Islamic Party (PAS) politician, Abdul Fatah Harun, the “honourable” PAS member for Rautau Panjang, who told the august (?) house of Parliament “If we see women who don’t have husbands and are divorced not because their husbands are dead, (it must be because) they are ‘gatal sikit’”
The Malaysian word ‘gatal sikit’ literally means ‘a little itchy’ but really means lustful, lecherous or randy.
Mind you, many female MPs from both ruling and opposition parties doubt he merits the parliamentary member's honorific title of “honourable”. They gave him a mega-tonnage earful to which he remained rather oblivious, being of the 'superior' gender ;-)
On that matter, of women MPs jumping up in outrage like cats on a hot tin roof, I also mentioned my disappointment with the lady MP from Permatang Pauh, PKR President Dr Wan Azizah (wife of Anwar Ibrahim). She remained deafeningly silent to Abdul Fatah Harun’s misogynist remarks, unless of course I missed her objection.
On that matter, of women MPs jumping up in outrage like cats on a hot tin roof, I also mentioned my disappointment with the lady MP from Permatang Pauh, PKR President Dr Wan Azizah (wife of Anwar Ibrahim). She remained deafeningly silent to Abdul Fatah Harun’s misogynist remarks, unless of course I missed her objection.
Her reluctance to speak up on behalf of women's rights and dignity explained why PKR had been a general failure with Malaysians. As I mentioned, and I mention it again, there is an unfavourable perception, especially among non-Muslims, that PKR has been seen to behave in a subordinate and very passive manner to the loose cannon policies of its more dominating ally, PAS.
I blogged on all that in Gatal versus Miang and PAS reluctant to scratch 'gatal' bloke.
Anyway, back to Prof Mahmud Zuhdi Abdul Majid’s proposal, that of the Islam-sanctioned misyar marriage.
According to the learned scholar, the difference between misyar and a polygamous marriage was that the husband did not have to provide money or clothing for his other wife but only be there to satisfy her sexual needs.
A win-win situation! Straight for the jugular (or a little lower), the good Prof has shown a way to solve human needs. Abraham Maslow, if still alive, would have been proud to see his Hierarchy of Needs kicking into action.
The Prof reckoned if Malaysians practise misyar marriage, the rising number of unmarried divorcees and women could be overcome, though he is of course assuming that sex has been the only issue. But hey, he is a Prof and who am I to question him!
He said that renowned Islamic ulama Dr Yusuf al-Qardawi in his edict pronounced misyar as legal as it could solve the problems of unmarried women or divorcees. Thus it was hardly surprising that the practice was allowed and deemed to be necessary by several ulamas in some countries in the Middle East. It’s all up to Malaysia’s Fatwa Council to study if it could be implemented in Malaysia.
I blogged on all that in Gatal versus Miang and PAS reluctant to scratch 'gatal' bloke.
Anyway, back to Prof Mahmud Zuhdi Abdul Majid’s proposal, that of the Islam-sanctioned misyar marriage.
According to the learned scholar, the difference between misyar and a polygamous marriage was that the husband did not have to provide money or clothing for his other wife but only be there to satisfy her sexual needs.
A win-win situation! Straight for the jugular (or a little lower), the good Prof has shown a way to solve human needs. Abraham Maslow, if still alive, would have been proud to see his Hierarchy of Needs kicking into action.
The Prof reckoned if Malaysians practise misyar marriage, the rising number of unmarried divorcees and women could be overcome, though he is of course assuming that sex has been the only issue. But hey, he is a Prof and who am I to question him!
He said that renowned Islamic ulama Dr Yusuf al-Qardawi in his edict pronounced misyar as legal as it could solve the problems of unmarried women or divorcees. Thus it was hardly surprising that the practice was allowed and deemed to be necessary by several ulamas in some countries in the Middle East. It’s all up to Malaysia’s Fatwa Council to study if it could be implemented in Malaysia.
He revealed that this arrangement is popular in the Middle East involving rich women who had difficulty looking for a life partner.
Wow, and I have always wanted a rich wife (or wives). I wonder whether I could adopt the misyar marriage concept for practice among non-Muslims in our Islamic nation, but I have a (mind you, much higher) feeling that sweet lassies like the Honourable Teresa Kok and her Amazon companions may ... eh ... 'make' me qualify for the Vienna Boys Choir. Gulp!
Not surprising, Kelantan Mentri Besar Nik Abdul Aziz Nik Mat of PAS has given his support to misyar marriages, which he reminded us were allowed in Islam. He said such marriages where the husbands only provide sex but not material responsibility would be viable if consent had been obtained from the women who were willing to enter into such arrangements.
Wow, and I have always wanted a rich wife (or wives). I wonder whether I could adopt the misyar marriage concept for practice among non-Muslims in our Islamic nation, but I have a (mind you, much higher) feeling that sweet lassies like the Honourable Teresa Kok and her Amazon companions may ... eh ... 'make' me qualify for the Vienna Boys Choir. Gulp!
Not surprising, Kelantan Mentri Besar Nik Abdul Aziz Nik Mat of PAS has given his support to misyar marriages, which he reminded us were allowed in Islam. He said such marriages where the husbands only provide sex but not material responsibility would be viable if consent had been obtained from the women who were willing to enter into such arrangements.
Responding to objections by Women, Family and Community Development Minister Shahrizat Abdul Jalil, who said such sex-oriented marriages do not meet the needs of a modern society, he said, hey hey: “It is for them [women] to decide if they want their spouses to provide for their sexual needs once a week or once a month.”
What if they want it every day? And for some, even several times a day? Gulp!
Then the frightening question of female exigencies exceeding the husbands’ performance envelope could become a troubling issue. This was what I meant when I mentioned earlier that Prof Mahmud Zuhdi Abdul Majid’s proposal may have only ‘partial’ solution to the 'miang-ness' of men.
Those poor sex machines could be put off, even grinding to an exhausted overheated stop. And in the absence of satisfactory acquittal of contractual arrangements by the male partner, oh my god, the insidious 'gatal-ness' could creep in again. And even worse, what about the frustration of their non-misyar spouses with their husbands' attritted inability to boot-up and download?
What if they want it every day? And for some, even several times a day? Gulp!
Then the frightening question of female exigencies exceeding the husbands’ performance envelope could become a troubling issue. This was what I meant when I mentioned earlier that Prof Mahmud Zuhdi Abdul Majid’s proposal may have only ‘partial’ solution to the 'miang-ness' of men.
Those poor sex machines could be put off, even grinding to an exhausted overheated stop. And in the absence of satisfactory acquittal of contractual arrangements by the male partner, oh my god, the insidious 'gatal-ness' could creep in again. And even worse, what about the frustration of their non-misyar spouses with their husbands' attritted inability to boot-up and download?
OK, what about human dignity? Nik Abdul Aziz said the issue of women being insulted by such arrangements did not arise because they had already given their consent. She wants sex, and she can’t get it because of her no-marriage status, well, that’s the price she has to pay. Hey babes, it'll all be on paper.
What if those unfortunate women can’t recruit a husband even under the misyar arrangement? They could possess certain ‘attributes’ that have disadvantaged them in the first place, which had been the reasons for their difficulties in getting married, either for the first time or again.
Ah, diffficult questions for a poor bloke like me to answer - didn't I say I wasn't a Prof?
Posted by KTemoc at 11:25 am
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Saturday, June 03, 2006
Malaysian Sex Machines (2) - Bonking with responsibility
Dr Harlina Halizah Siraj women’s wing chief of Jemaah Islah (JIM) said the proposal for misyar marriages as discussed in Malaysian sex machines has been wrong in its understanding. It’s not just about fulfilling the sexual desires of either or both spouses. Blast!
What if those unfortunate women can’t recruit a husband even under the misyar arrangement? They could possess certain ‘attributes’ that have disadvantaged them in the first place, which had been the reasons for their difficulties in getting married, either for the first time or again.
Ah, diffficult questions for a poor bloke like me to answer - didn't I say I wasn't a Prof?
Posted by KTemoc at 11:25 am
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Saturday, June 03, 2006
Malaysian Sex Machines (2) - Bonking with responsibility
Dr Harlina Halizah Siraj women’s wing chief of Jemaah Islah (JIM) said the proposal for misyar marriages as discussed in Malaysian sex machines has been wrong in its understanding. It’s not just about fulfilling the sexual desires of either or both spouses. Blast!
Prof Madya Dr Harlina Halizah Siraj
Technically, a misyar marriage is one in which a woman waives or suspends one or more rights to which she would have been entitled in view of the particular circumstances of her potential husband. It is not just a green ticket to bonk (sorry, my choice of word, wakakaka) to one's satisfaction without any family responsibility. She asserted that all the other rules, principles, and obligations of marriage remain as obligations.
She provided an example where a financially independent woman may choose to forego the provision of a house, food and drink, or clothes from her husband which he is normally obligated to furnish.
She averred that’s such a situation is not unusual as it happens in many marriages from time to time whereby a wife sometimes uses her own money for basic necessities in order to free her husband’s resources for use on other expenses.
She was commenting on the widespread rejection of the proposal of Universiti Malaya's Prof Dr Mahmud Zuhdi Abdul Majid, who recommended more misyar marriages. The Prof has said that the difference between misyar and a polygamous marriage was that the husband did not have to provide money or clothing for his other wife but would only be there to satisfy her sexual needs.
Technically, a misyar marriage is one in which a woman waives or suspends one or more rights to which she would have been entitled in view of the particular circumstances of her potential husband. It is not just a green ticket to bonk (sorry, my choice of word, wakakaka) to one's satisfaction without any family responsibility. She asserted that all the other rules, principles, and obligations of marriage remain as obligations.
She provided an example where a financially independent woman may choose to forego the provision of a house, food and drink, or clothes from her husband which he is normally obligated to furnish.
She averred that’s such a situation is not unusual as it happens in many marriages from time to time whereby a wife sometimes uses her own money for basic necessities in order to free her husband’s resources for use on other expenses.
She was commenting on the widespread rejection of the proposal of Universiti Malaya's Prof Dr Mahmud Zuhdi Abdul Majid, who recommended more misyar marriages. The Prof has said that the difference between misyar and a polygamous marriage was that the husband did not have to provide money or clothing for his other wife but would only be there to satisfy her sexual needs.
He recommended misyar marriage to overcome the rising number of unmarried divorcees and women. In fact Utusan Malaysia had quoted him saying that misyar marriages could also reduce the incidence of vice among Muslim women. Hmmm, 'upstanding' crime fighters!
Subsequently, Prof Zuhdi asserted that he had never called for men to be absolved of their responsibilities, but merely that the women who are financially stronger than their husbands can waive the right to certain provisions pertaining to her own needs.
He expressed his belief that hubby must still provide companionship and family leadership while fulfilling his other responsibilities such as to his children.
In the aftermath of Prof Zuhdi’s proposal, a concerned Dr Syed Ali Tawfik Al-Attas, director-general of the Malaysian Institute of Islamic Understanding, wanted people to stop f**king around (sorry, kaytee's choice of word, wakakaka) with the sacred institution of marriages. He was disturbed by the debates, which largely touched on the issues of sex and lust.
Subsequently, Prof Zuhdi asserted that he had never called for men to be absolved of their responsibilities, but merely that the women who are financially stronger than their husbands can waive the right to certain provisions pertaining to her own needs.
He expressed his belief that hubby must still provide companionship and family leadership while fulfilling his other responsibilities such as to his children.
In the aftermath of Prof Zuhdi’s proposal, a concerned Dr Syed Ali Tawfik Al-Attas, director-general of the Malaysian Institute of Islamic Understanding, wanted people to stop f**king around (sorry, kaytee's choice of word, wakakaka) with the sacred institution of marriages. He was disturbed by the debates, which largely touched on the issues of sex and lust.
Dr Syed Ali Tawfik Al-Attas
And indeed it had been – and for those people coming out after the authoritative slap down by the good doctor to provide clarifications is just too little too late! Why propose something that was quoted by Utusan Malaysia as a solution to reduce the incidence of vice among Muslim women, if it was not about SEX!
Dr Syed Ali Tawfik Al-Attas said: “We have to ask if the problem relates to Muslim women finding it hard to get married or the women choosing to be single? Then only can we start looking for solutions.”
“We have many unresolved issues affecting Muslims that we need to take care of, such as increasing divorce rates, truancy in schools and universities and girls excelling over boys in their studies.”
And indeed it had been – and for those people coming out after the authoritative slap down by the good doctor to provide clarifications is just too little too late! Why propose something that was quoted by Utusan Malaysia as a solution to reduce the incidence of vice among Muslim women, if it was not about SEX!
Dr Syed Ali Tawfik Al-Attas said: “We have to ask if the problem relates to Muslim women finding it hard to get married or the women choosing to be single? Then only can we start looking for solutions.”
“We have many unresolved issues affecting Muslims that we need to take care of, such as increasing divorce rates, truancy in schools and universities and girls excelling over boys in their studies.”
Yo.. I must say the Saudis are being surprisingly creative and "prigressive" wakakaka..
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