Thursday, September 18, 2008

'Convincibility' - A letter to Yang Amat Berhormat

Dodgee Con-Sultan e-Solutions
916, Jalan Bodek
Taman Kamunting
Pulau Pinang

Yang Amat Berhormat
Datuk Seri Alvis Isley

My dear dear Yang Sangat Amat Berhormat Datuk Seri,

(I have to address you by the pseudonym of Alvis Isley because of clear & present dangers – I am Sure you understAnd)

Congratulations on your most magnificent victory in the recent by-election, despite the disgraceful EC cheating you out of some 33,000 votes. But all is well that ends well.

My cousin (from my father’s side) who voted for you has been utterly rapt with blissful joy and honour at the privilege of having you as her parliamentary representative, and soon to be ... (nudge nudge wink wink – I won’t say a word as the Internet has ears and eyes).

However, she and I have been extremely incensed by the outrageous treatment Encik Elegant Silence has disrespectfully meted out to you, the future ... (nudge nudge wink wink) and more importantly, your ‘future’ which shall be also our ‘future’ and Malaysia’s ‘future’.

Oh my dear dear Yang Sangat Amat Mulia Berhormat, I could go on and on about everyone’s future but suffice to say, you as our ‘future’ has assured, insured, ‘future-d’ Malaysia despite those irksome who have censured your rise. May they be tonsured.

But I am not here just to heap high praises, which you undoubtedly earn every bit and more, but also to offer you our world renowned strategic solutions to your tactical manoeuvres so that, strategically speaking, your tactics may assume strategic values with tactical outcomes.

Enough said, dear Amat de f Berhormat – on with my proposals.

One of the teensy weensy itsy bitsy deficiencies, if I may have the temerity to even describe it as such, that I notice in your letter and the list of sam sap yet (coded of course to confuse undesirables from peeping into this strategic proposal) has been a teensy weensy itsy bitsy hesitancy and lack of preparation ... yes, just a wee bit.

But before I get into it, I must congratulate you on your God-given talent. You have what has been described rather as a highly prized ‘---ability’.

Now let me explain what precisely is this prized ‘---ability’. In the entertainment world like television, it has been described, rather graphically, as ‘fuckability’.

Let me quote what they say in Hollywood – oh yes, that place where Elvis the other ‘King’ (nudge nudge wink wink) was.

It has been said that ... in Hollywood they have a term for the essential quality in a performer or presenter. A forum in the intellectual magazine Salon discussed this recently: "One of the prime qualities a leading movie star must have is fuckability … Do you honestly think that it's talent alone that puts them into 'leading' category, as opposed to 'character actor'? Falling in love with the hero or heroine of the movie is often what it's all about. If that doesn't happen for you, then the movie won't work for you." Apparently fuckability is a combination of looks and an elusive quality called "presence".

In Australia this term of ‘fuckability’ entered the vocabulary of the local industry, when John Westacott, news director of Channel Nine, allegedly told colleagues last year: "To make it in this industry, you gotta have fuckability."

And he was not just referring to women.

Well, that’s the entertainment world. In politics we need not go near such a word though someone in Kelantan might like to use it to separate women into the fuckability age of sub-50 or non-fuckability age of above 50.

Instead we use ‘convincibility’. Yes, Datuk Seri you have oozes of it, the C-factor.

Even right now, journalists and columnists in Malaysiakini are convinced (see what I mean) you have not just sam sap yet but (another code) sam pak mmarn, sam pak sam sap sam ch’een, sam pak sam sap yet. *

* believe me, that was a labour for me - I should have an expert in those codes do them for me but I wanted to impress you with my personal touch

Even one who writes in a Malaysiakini column has been sufficiently convinced (yes, wonderful mesmerizing effect you have) to blame the 1994 Sabah election outcome, which saw poor Joseph Pairin winning the election but ending up as opposition leader, on the nefarious meddling of Dr Mahathir as if he was the Barisan Nasional campaign director (nudge nudge wink wink).

Then there was the deliberate decisive destructive abortion of Apcet II which again convinced (sweet, isn’t it) people that Dr Mahathir, who was actually away in Ghana, was responsible, as if he was the one who, after Apcet II was abandoned, proudly declaredOur mission was to stop the conference and we did just that (nudge nudge wink wink).

The C-factor is very very vital. Not only does it sell your position, it ensures that in the face of required proof, you automatically (okay, notionally) have it, and buys you time, and as they say, one day in politics is a long long time, long enough for your requirements to topple who you want to topple.

Many people do not realize that the C-factor has several secret layers, and that ‘convincibility’ is only the surface characteristic; beneath that ‘convincibility’ there are of course charm, charisma, cunning, craftiness, cultism (the quality to promote same), confusion-ability and chaos-ism (or the ability to spread those), but the heart of it all, unbeknownst to all but only the initiated (and I am offering this knowledge gratis out of respect and a desire for strategic relationship with Yang Amat Berhormat), is ‘chong-ability’.

I need not go too deeply into ‘chong-ability’ at this stage, save to say it is another of those arcane Chinese terms like MML (nudge nudge wink wink). We must not get tangled up with mere terms but rather, the implementation of the concept they represent.

Oh dear dear, my dear dear Yang Sangat Amat Berhormat, I think I see several police cars just arriving outside my house. Thus I have to end this letter to you here ... and If God permitS, I will continue lAter with what I was going to propose to you.

Yang běnar,

Dodgee Dimsum

p/s they are knocking at the door but before I am taken away, would you like my firm Dodgee Con-Sultan e-Solutions to represent you on matters of public relations and to develop political strategic solutions for your political needs (nudge nudge wink wink).

p/p/s My other company Dodgee Electronics carries an impressive range of items that can be useful to your needs, such as GPS, iPODS, Camrecorder (wonderful device), etc – all available with the usual concession to Parliamentarians.


The Yum-Cha Chronicles:
(1) Apology - A letter to the minister
(2) Bloggers - A letter to the ministry
(3) Drama queens & kings wanted
(4) May 13 Book - a letter to the minister
(5) Appreciation - a letter to the minister
(6) Goblok to Golek - a letter to the minister
(7) MGR-ish makeover - a letter to a minister
(8) Bahasa Mělayu - a letter to Yang Běrhormat


  1. Wow could be Badawi's speech writer !

    Except that Badawi is more direct , no beating roung the mulberry bush .

  2. ktemoc....u r as flip flop as our flip flop current & ex pm...
    the wave that is coming will swallow u..instead of swimming to safety..u will be...flip flopping..
    not to worry..u will still be able to blog albeit to a moronic crowd that will remember...the good old 51 years....
    n u can be chief of party rakyat badut....clown leading clowns...

  3. Bro KT,

    heheh,..wat can I say..enlightening..n funny in a way,.. a casual liar and a Master Of Deception at its best to d dying moment,..heheh..wat else can I say,..(,") A lvis I sley.. ;)


    p.s. dis is d best i've come across on d aftermath of 911

  4. Looks like Dollah's turn to say
    "Man Man Lai"

    Wasn't this a golden opportunity to burst Anwar's balloon (or was it condom ?)

  5. This was Aisehman's take on this.
    I agree.

    If Anwar got defectors, you’re screwed anyway.

    And if he doesn’t have ‘em, you screw Anwar. Once and for all.

    Nak takut apa? Kan you said the other day Anwar’s got jack shit.

    Macam ni, people will say you have no balls.

  6. Know the Difference: Transition, not Handover.
    For the moment, the UMNO leadership crisis appears to have been averted with the announcement of the cabinet portfolio swap between Prime Minister Dato’ Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi and his Deputy Dato’ Seri Najib Tun Razak. As recently as last week, analysts and commentators were anticipating Najib to make a move on the Presidency before the year’s end. And why would they not? After UMNO Vice President Tan Sri Muhyiddin Yassin rekindled the debate about Abdullah’s position, Najib appeared to position himself for an assault on the post when he remarked that the divisions should decide for themselves when the transition should occur – essentially informing that he was more than ready to receive nominations for the post of Party President.

    But with the portfolio swap, Najib may not see a need to gun for the Presidency – and by implication Premiership of the country – so soon. Notwithstanding the fact that a transition of power is, as Abdullah quipped, a process and not something carried out overnight, Abdullah must be credited for such a bold move. Skeptics have characterised it as a calculated political decision to neutralise any potential threat from Najib. Political considerations there definitely were, but by paving the way for Najib to take helm of the Ministry of Finance, Abdullah has also demonstrated magnanimity and sincerity to groom his successor for the top job in 2010.

    Being Prime Minister with little experience in managing the country’s economy will likely prove a mammoth task for anyone. And as it turns out, Najib is no ordinary figure with an ordinary past. With ample ammunition for the Opposition to take aim at his credibility – the SAS (Sukoi, Altantunya, Submarine) scandals spring to mind as illustrations – a Najib administration could use a head-start in spearheading economic recovery at a time when global financial uncertainty is affecting countries in this region, too.. It is further also to Najib’s convenience that the Budget for the year 2009 has just been announced with much of the implementation left for him to oversee. As such, Najib does not have the baggage of others’ inefficiency to contend with – a prevalent concern whenever an economic plan is carried out.

    As things, at least for the time being, cool down with regards to any contest for the Presidency of UMNO, it would be interesting to see Tun Dr.. Mahathir’s next move. Commanding a yet formidable following, his end-game for quite a while now is to unseat Abdullah as Prime Minister. His peculiar friendships with Tengku Razaleigh, Muhyiddin and Najib are telling – those individuals are all nothing more than instruments to his ultimate goal: the downfall of Abdullah.

    Ultimately, Abdullah’s supporters will hope that the PM’s move will be repaid with loyalty by Najib. Even to many who may not be Abdullah’s biggest fans are wary of the damage that an open contest will cause the party. Even they would gladly take two more years of Abdullah over the prospect of an internal split that will likely occur should we witness a repeat of the embarrassment suffered by the late Tun Ghafar Baba at the hands of a ruthless Machiavellian by the name of Anwar Ibrahim.

  7. Yang Amat Berhormat Datuk Seri Alvis Isley's reply:

    The 31 seats are purchased from the following sources:

    10 seats from Air Itam Furniture Sdn Bhd

    10 seats dari Courts Mammoth Jelutung branch

    10 seats dari Tanjung Bungah Furniture Sdn Bhd


    1 seat from Pulau Jerejak Leper colony (Auction sale)

  8. Defecting lawmakers only opportunists, says Jakarta Post

    JAKARTA, Sept 19 — Indonesia's The Jakarta Post English daily, commenting today on the political development in Malaysia, said the (possible) act of lawmakers defecting from the ruling Barisan Nasional (BN) coalition to the opposition does not make them democracy's soldiers but political opportunists.

    Based on Indonesia's own painful experience, it said, a change of allegiance at the elite level was not equivalent to a change in fundamental beliefs toward the primacy of civil society.

    Malaysian Opposition Leader Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim, advisor of Parti Keadilan Rakyat (PKR), has been claiming that he has the backing of a sufficient number of BN defectors to give his Pakatan Rakyat (PR) coalition a simple majority in parliament.

    "We fear that what we are seeing in Malaysia is neither revolution nor evolution, but is instead a potential transition from one power to another.

    "But Pakatan Rakyat too must show it is more than just a vehicle for Anwar," it said.

    The paper said the performance of Malaysian Deputy Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak as minister of finance, a portfolio he assumed on Wednesday, would gauge his acceptability as Malaysia's next leader.

    Najib and Prime Minister Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi exchanged Cabinet portfolios -- finance and defence -- on Wednesday as part of the plan for transition of power from Abdullah to Najib in June 2010.

    The paper noted that "on the other end of the spectrum, the opposition coalition of Pakatan Rakyat under Anwar has been big on headlines but lacking in actual policy proposals". — Bernama

  9. Look before you leap to those opting for changes in government, otherwise we may be in the same legacy of the sub-prime mess now ruining the global economy and financial system.

    The sub-prime loan which was never a prudent product however was considered a evolution product then, but what happen now. The reason is, greed blind the facts, the sub-prime loan which allow non-creditworty borrowers to take loan which were higher than the value of their assets, the fund's manager then packages these toxic loan with creditworthy loan which got good rating from S&P and Moody and they sold them as financial instrument to Banks and unsuspecting investors. So when the properties fall, good papers become asshole papers, thats the beginning of the falling of once a great country.

    My bringing up of the sub-prime mess is to tell that we cannot afford to simply change for the sake of changing and greed, every thing there is a price to pay and the costs will be very high. Its is better and wiser to be patience and weight the risk for any changes.

    PR coalition is comparable to the packages of toxic and creditworthy loan, the small percentage of the toxic that kill you. The Bar Council and some NGOs are in the same boat as S&P and Moody which give PR good rating, even though they do not deserve that merit.
    PR are marketing their tinted sub-prime products which they term as evolution to the people which I term the people as unsuspecting investors.

    I am not buying it, and I do not want to rock the boat especially in the light of global economic uncertainty and financial crisis, which Malaysia is not isolated. Maintaining the status quo is the best solution for us, as the existing political power balance is already a blessing for affective check and balance. Like a shrewd investors who like to see the balance sheet before making any business commitment, like wise, we the people should decide only after seeing the performance of PR government in the five states and BN in the Federal government. In the meantime let them complete and we the boss decide come the next election.

    We should not drive a car without a brake.

  10. Xiean (不幸?) 告诉我们不驾驶不可能刹车的汽车。 但是他驾驶不可能移动的汽车。 贫困者!

  11. xiean ,

    My feedback is GSOS WILL NOT make it to be PM . guess he's on the way out for the time being . Wno't write him off but won't forsee any problems for the time being . Remember I posted about there will be no heart transplant meaning no change of govt. but there will be a by-pass meaning change of leadership and portfolios . This has started to happen with Badawi changing changing with Najib . Also the next important date will be of course Oct 9th . If Badawi decides to step down on this date , then Anwar can kiss his Katakcrazy gomen goodbye . He realises this too that's why he's getting devillish impatient . But the game's over for him . Najib might be a stop gap measure PM until the UMNO party elections in December . When Pak Lah steps down , the 31 BN chaps will be realigning themselves to the two teams as long as its not our friend . When he came back to Kepala Batas recently , sad to say all his bumno pa pa lang who used to follow him disappeared . He's now a lone ranger in Penang . will keep you guys updated as it goes .