916, Jalan Bodek
Yang Amat Berhormat
Datuk Seri Alvis Isley
My dear dear Yang Sangat Amat Berhormat Datuk Seri,
(I have to address you by the pseudonym of Alvis Isley because of clear & present dangers – I am Sure you understAnd)
Congratulations on your most magnificent victory in the recent by-election, despite the disgraceful EC cheating you out of some 33,000 votes. But all is well that ends well.
My cousin (from my father’s side) who voted for you has been utterly rapt with blissful joy and honour at the privilege of having you as her parliamentary representative, and soon to be ... (nudge nudge wink wink – I won’t say a word as the Internet has ears and eyes).
However, she and I have been extremely incensed by the outrageous treatment Encik Elegant Silence has disrespectfully meted out to you, the future ... (nudge nudge wink wink) and more importantly, your ‘future’ which shall be also our ‘future’ and Malaysia’s ‘future’.
Oh my dear dear Yang Sangat Amat
But I am not here just to heap high praises, which you undoubtedly earn every bit and more, but also to offer you our world renowned strategic solutions to your tactical manoeuvres so that, strategically speaking, your tactics may assume strategic values with tactical outcomes.
Enough said, dear Amat
One of the teensy weensy itsy bitsy deficiencies, if I may have the temerity to even describe it as such, that I notice in your letter and the list of sam sap yet (coded of course to confuse undesirables from peeping into this strategic proposal) has been a teensy weensy itsy bitsy hesitancy and lack of preparation ... yes, just a wee bit.
But before I get into it, I must congratulate you on your God-given talent. You have what has been described rather as a highly prized ‘---ability’.
Now let me explain what precisely is this prized ‘---ability’. In the entertainment world like television, it has been described, rather graphically, as ‘fuckability’.
Let me quote what they say in Hollywood – oh yes, that place where Elvis the other ‘King’ (nudge nudge wink wink) was.
It has been said that ... in Hollywood they have a term for the essential quality in a performer or presenter. A forum in the intellectual magazine Salon discussed this recently: "One of the prime qualities a leading movie star must have is fuckability … Do you honestly think that it's talent alone that puts them into 'leading' category, as opposed to 'character actor'? Falling in love with the hero or heroine of the movie is often what it's all about. If that doesn't happen for you, then the movie won't work for you." Apparently fuckability is a combination of looks and an elusive quality called "presence".
In Australia this term of ‘fuckability’ entered the vocabulary of the local industry, when John Westacott, news director of Channel Nine, allegedly told colleagues last year: "To make it in this industry, you gotta have fuckability."
And he was not just referring to women.
Well, that’s the entertainment world. In politics we need not go near such a word though someone in Kelantan might like to use it to separate women into the fuckability age of sub-50 or non-fuckability age of above 50.
Instead we use ‘convincibility’. Yes, Datuk Seri you have oozes of it, the C-factor.
Even right now, journalists and columnists in Malaysiakini are convinced (see what I mean) you have not just sam sap yet but (another code) sam pak mmarn, sam pak sam sap sam ch’een, sam pak sam sap yet. *
* believe me, that was a labour for me - I should have an expert in those codes do them for me but I wanted to impress you with my personal touch
Even one who writes in a Malaysiakini column has been sufficiently convinced (yes, wonderful mesmerizing effect you have) to blame the 1994 Sabah election outcome, which saw poor Joseph Pairin winning the election but ending up as opposition leader, on the nefarious meddling of Dr Mahathir as if he was the Barisan Nasional campaign director (nudge nudge wink wink).
Then there was the deliberate decisive destructive abortion of Apcet II which again convinced (sweet, isn’t it) people that Dr Mahathir, who was actually away in Ghana, was responsible, as if he was the one who, after Apcet II was abandoned, proudly declared “Our mission was to stop the conference and we did just that” (nudge nudge wink wink).
The C-factor is very very vital. Not only does it sell your position, it ensures that in the face of required proof, you automatically (okay, notionally) have it, and buys you time, and as they say, one day in politics is a long long time, long enough for your requirements to topple who you want to topple.
Many people do not realize that the C-factor has several secret layers, and that ‘convincibility’ is only the surface characteristic; beneath that ‘convincibility’ there are of course charm, charisma, cunning, craftiness, cultism (the quality to promote same), confusion-ability and chaos-ism (or the ability to spread those), but the heart of it all, unbeknownst to all but only the initiated (and I am offering this knowledge gratis out of respect and a desire for strategic relationship with Yang Amat Berhormat), is ‘chong-ability’.
I need not go too deeply into ‘chong-ability’ at this stage, save to say it is another of those arcane Chinese terms like MML (nudge nudge wink wink). We must not get tangled up with mere terms but rather, the implementation of the concept they represent.
Oh dear dear, my dear dear Yang Sangat Amat Berhormat, I think I see several police cars just arriving outside my house. Thus I have to end this letter to you here ... and If God permitS, I will continue lAter with what I was going to propose to you.
p/s they are knocking at the door but before I am taken away, would you like my firm Dodgee Con-Sultan e-Solutions to represent you on matters of public relations and to develop political strategic solutions for your political needs (nudge nudge wink wink).
p/p/s My other company Dodgee Electronics carries an impressive range of items that can be useful to your needs, such as GPS, iPODS, Camrecorder (wonderful device), etc – all available with the usual concession to Parliamentarians.
The Yum-Cha Chronicles:
(1) Apology - A letter to the minister
(2) Bloggers - A letter to the ministry
(3) Drama queens & kings wanted
(4) May 13 Book - a letter to the minister
(5) Appreciation - a letter to the minister
(6) Goblok to Golek - a letter to the minister
(7) MGR-ish makeover - a letter to a minister
(8) Bahasa Mělayu - a letter to Yang Běrhormat