Friday, June 27, 2008

Statuesque Declaration

I, Kay Tee Moc (IC No pssst, it’s with my mum who’s using its digits in various combinations to buy 4-Ekor for this Saturday), a Malaysian of legal age residing at No 1, Jalan Reban, Kampong Musang, Ayer Itam, Pulau Pinang Darul KuaiLarnLarng, do solemnly and sincerely say as follows:

(1) I have been reliably informed that a secret supplementary budget amendment to the mid-term review of the 9th Malaysia Plan has set aside RM213.8 billion to land fill the sea between Penang Island and the mainland;

(2) I have been reliably informed that the above is conditional to the DAP government selling off the reclaimed land to Patrick Lum-Umba at 8.7 sens per metre-square;

(3) I have been reliably informed that Patrick Lum-Umba will build a greyhound racing course, a Formula 1 track, a World class casino, and the World’s newest Disney World on the reclaimed land;

(4) I have been reliably informed that the Penang Bridge will be turned into a go-kart track;

(5) I have been reliably informed that the 2nd bridge link will be converted into the World’s longest recreational fishing quay for anglers, with its record-breaking status entered into the Malaysian Book of Records;

(6) I have been further reliably informed that 65 BN MPs will cross over to Pakatan Rakyat (PR), allowing PR not only to claim majority rule to form a new government but to exercise the parliamentary voting powers of more than 2/3 majority;

(7) I have been further reliably informed that PAS will support the nomination of Karpal Singh as the new PM;

(8) I have been further reliably informed that the new Foreign Minister (designate) Loh Gwo Burne will appoint Tian Chua as Ambassador Plenipotentiary to Iraq and the former Chief Mufti of Perak as Consulate General to Somalia;

(9) I have been further reliably informed that as a masterly plan to control the perennial problem of polluting smoke haze from the south-west, the new cabinet will agree (without need of a referendum) to exchange with Indonesia the states of Sabah & Sarawak for the Indonesian island of Sumatra and surrounding islets under a joint agreement called (in Indonesia) ‘Kebutuhan Indonesia Utuh’ (and in Malaysia ‘Solidariti Warisan Sri Vijaya melalui Khatan-Korban Kalimantan’);

(10) I have been further reliably informed that Singapore will eventually apply for merger with Myanmar (Brunei? – sorry, what’s the State’s name again?)

(11) I have been further further reliably informed that Israel will withdraw to the 1948 borders in exchange for the city of Jerusalem;

(12) I have been further further reliably informed that Bush, Blair and Bodek will stand trial for war crimes, to be held in Baghdad;

(13) I have been further further reliably informed that renown Malaysian activist Irene Fernandez will assume the post of UN High Commissioner for Refugees following the unexpected resignation of East Timorese Jose Ramos-Horta from that post;

(14) I have been further further reliably informed the world’s greatest reserves of oil is about to be discovered in the area between Penang island and the Malaysian mainland during a land reclaimation project;

(15) I have been further further reliably informed that Lim Guan Eng is likely to successfully take Penang State out of Malaysia in an unprecedented but UN-sanctioned secession, using the case of Pulau Batu Putih as a legal precedence;

(16) I have been further further reliably informed that President Lim Guan Eng is likely to appoint the following Penang larng to be diplomats for the new Republic of Penang:

a. Jeff Ooi as Ambassador to Kuala Lumpur
b. Susan Loone as Ambassador to Thailand
c. Lucia Lai as Ambassador to Australia
d. Kittykat46 as Ambassador to the UN

e. Zainol Abideen as Ambassador to Monaco
f. Mohd Elfie Nieshaem Juferi as Ambassador to the Vatican
g. Koh Tsu Koon as Ambassador to Pakistan

h. Anwar Ibrahim as Ambassador to Mongolia

The purpose of this Statuesque Declaration is to urge all those parties who have been duly informed to bloody start packing.

And I make this solemn declaration conscientiously believing the same to be true and by virtue of the provisions of the Wish List Acts, 30 February 1956.

Subscribed & Solemnly Declared by


... yadda yadda yadda ...


  1. I am reliably informed that this blog is administered from inside an Australian mental sanitarium.

    The program, which has been running for over 3 years now, provides Internet broadband access to inmates suffering from chronic paranoid schizophrenia. Such patients often have very high intelligence, but suffer from the inability to distinguish between reality and delusions created from within their dysfunctional mental processes.

    It was hoped that the mental stimulation from surfing the Internet would help provide a form therapy to these patients.

    The results are mixed. One or two patients actually recovered well enough to be discharged to live in the normal community outside. Unfortunately, some patients actually deteriorated, as Internet access increased their paranoid delusions.

    Due to the fuel price crisis and budgetary constraints, this program is currently at risk of its funding by the Australian Federal Government being terminated.

  2. Be prepared for the legal action... ;)

  3. hahahaha..this shows that people are beginning to see that the recent hoo-haa is getting increasingly difficult to be sustained by a claim of someone who's been reliably informed by someone else. I say RPK should be made to reveal those reliable informants of his too, otherwise this whole thing is gonna become more like a good political drama instead of a genuine case waiting for legal redress.

  4. It's in the game, people. It's all in the game. While we watch the side shows and commentaries provided by KTemoc, let's keep in mind the race has to go it's full 60 laps. Whoever leads now may not even get pass the flag if they get shoved out along the way.

  5. Thank you, we have been reliably informed.

    I think kittykat could be right ... kaytee must be out of sync with the real world.

    Kaytee - I think you better get your mum to re-set your settings to original default setting.

  6. This post is hilariously funny and so is kittykat46's comments taking a harmless dig at KT. Too much fantasizing, I guess. Great minds think alike. I had a good laugh.

  7. KT KaTak,

    That's a funny lip-frogging jig!
    You should be made the Royal Jester in the Yang DiPertuan Agong's court.

    penag larng

  8. Ktemoc,
    I would challenge you to make such a real Statutory Declaration in front of a Malaysian Commissioner Of Oaths.

    Bear in mind that will make it a legal document made under oath, with serious repercussions to you if what you said is untrue.

    Then you are on par with Raja Petra's courage and sincerity.

  9. Right now I don't have a barrow to push nor anything worthwhile to declare. ;-)

    RPK may be 'courageous' but I like to still reserve judgement on his 'sincerity'.

    But really, your challenge is humongously childish. Anyone making a Stat Dec, particularly of this nature, must be prepared to accept questions of doubts, plausibility and an examination of the language used in making that Dec. The relationship of the declarer to the party benefitting from his poo-flinging (regardless of whether true or otherwise) must also be examined - CUI BONO!

  10. I have been further further reliably informed that PM Pok Kai Lah will be awarded the Nobel Prize for Econs because he managed to cook up the books stating that the country has been enjoying annual inflationary rates of just 2% since he became Finance Minister in 2003

  11. KT, can Anwar be at better place other than Mongolia, perhaps an honorary ambassador to US but stationed in California or Lousiana, can join the annual Mardi Gra maa...

  12. look Anon of 11:08 PM, tho' I am known as a critic of Anwar I only do so on the basis of his track record, performance, conduct and policies/promises as a politician and a public figure, but not his private life or what he was alleged to be - I have never nor will ever use that to rubbish him.