Monday, August 03, 2009

Healing the nation's wounds - a letter to the PM

Dodgee Con-Sultan Macc-Numb Solutions
8888, Jalan Barnjee
Taman Hor Beh Thart
Pulau Pinang

Yang Amat Berhormat
Datuk Nar Jee Razy

My dear dear Yang Sangat Amat Berhormat Datuk,

I cannot tell you how much I admire your outstanding, firm and assertive stand as the No 1 political leader of our beloved nation when I see the following headlines in Malaysiakini:

(1) Snap polls in Perak by year end?
(2) Don't expect Umno to abolish ISA

Datuk, you are definitely in charge – no two ways about it! You have made your point that you are certainly helming ;-) the nation.

But alas, and I hope you will not consider me imprudent in this comment, that it has been achieved at great cost. But we know great leaders are always prepared to make sacrifices, especially of others and even our own expendable fools.

However, if I may be so bold as to offer my advice, the usual quality stuff typifying the strategic thinking of Dodgee Con-Sultan Macc-Numb-Solutions, the time has arrived for healing of the nation’s wounds, yes those emotional injuries wrought by the divisive acrimonious below-the-belt politicking over the past few months, aggravated in no small part by unprofessional partisan lil' Napoleons of whom your predecessor had warned us.

As a Malaysian I know of two things that can heal wounds. The first is the most muhibbah activity known to Malaysians, which is still unsurpassed in its amazing ability to unite our richly diverse ethnic groups.

I am of course referring to the joy of ‘empat ekor-ing’, our national and most favourite sporting activity.

Participation in this activity transcends race, age, gender, social status and sexual proclivity. No other activity sees such a healthy social political ethnic mix of enthusiasts.

Even the alleged corrupt traffic cops (and needless to say, how unfair these allegations have been) have shown remarkable restraint and respect for the usually unlawful double and triple parking outside the agencies managing this activity.

The general duty police and the FRU have equally demonstrated incredible tolerance for the massive noisy illegal assemblies at these locations. And it is guaranteed that no one will be arrested for wearing black, if that person is so prepared to wear a taboo-ed (sial) colour in the field of 'empat ekor-ing'.

Such muhibbah interactions by the public and police could provide the necessary training experience to infuse the men in blue with the patience and forbearance to deal with other forms of assemblies, even those of politics.

It will be a classic win-win-win situation, except (literally) of course for those who pick the wrong numbers. But then, very few see such losses as a setback – au contraire, failures to win seem to motivate the participants to greater efforts. What a fantastic form of character building for our society.

‘Empat ekor-ing’ is the most culturally, socially and politically healthy sporting pursuit, which you, my dear Datuk, should stimulate, encourage, spread and sponsor. Majulah sukan untuk negara is far more preferable than demi bangsa dan agama.

Additionally, total immersion in the sport's mathematical permutation, its science of probability and the psychological benefits of daily motivation does not require making the unnecessary and politically embarrassing choice of English or Bahasa as a medium of participation. Any ethnic language would do. Another win for your govenment in supporting the use of mother tongue languages.

I could go on and on listing its multiple benefits to our nation and society, and naturally, your government. But suffice to say, Datuk, Dodgee Con-Sultan Macc-Numb-Solutions is hot to trot (excuse the deliberate pun) in offering wider opportunities and greater access for our rakyat to participate. I eagerly await your instruction for me to contribute to this nation building activity.

The second nation binding item may have one slight disadvantage, where unlike ‘empat ekor-ing’, the gentler gender may not be too receptive. But worry not, Dodgee Con-Sultan Macc-Numb-Solutions has formulated a solution for this deficiency.

I draw Datuk’s attention to a news item on the Star Online which headlined the relevant issue as Ex-topless newscasters left penniless by firm. It reported:

Newscaster of Naked News Korea — the first online news in Korean featuring topless female anchors — are demanding for their salaries after their company abruptly suspended operations.

The women, who would strip while reading news, claimed they had gone through a lot of suffering as a result of the suspension.

According to Nanyang Siang Pau, the subscribers to the service got angry when there was no change in the news content, forcing the website to stop its operations on July 24. The women said that when the website failed to live up to its initial targeted hits, the company’s top officials ran off without paying its workers.

It is as if heaven realizes our national need at this crucial period in our glorious history, and duly presents to us the availability of such trained and delectable services.

If we recruit those Korean ‘newscasters’ in a new news service called, say, Bogel Berita Bolehland (BBB), we would eliminate inter-ethnic acrimony, rivalry and suspicion as the usual proponents (including our 4-D punters and non punters) would be mesmerized, subdued and left tongue-hanging by the engaging international and domestic news. As a bonus we will have a better informed rakyat.

We could even have the news delivered in the Korean language, it being a known fact that Malaysian men have always wanted to study Korean (if delivered by these 'engaging' newscasters).

To remedy the gender bias, we adopt an equal opportunity policy, where we alternate female newscasters hourly with male staff recruited from Africa. Naturally a recruiting physical-medical examination is vital, purely to ensure that the H1N1 virus is not inadvertently imported.

And this news service may even put paid to the viability of other news media, friendly or otherwise, as no one then will bother to pay attention to other than Bogel Berita Bolehland which we keep firmly under the Info-Min’s control.

With its inception, you will bring about a new sophisticated but quiet dynamic leadership in Asian politics precisely at a time when it is needed in the wake of the global economic depression.

With such a concept, politicking including illegal assemblies or rallies will diminish to virtually zero, with a whole new Malaysian society united by 4-D activities, and informed by televised news where the Info-Min could sublimely insert your political message, for the good of the nation of course.

The icing on top of this amazing muhibbah cake, if Lotto and Lotteries are included, and 4-D goes 5 or even 6-D, will be the realization of popular public expectation (and hopes) of several Malaysian millionaires per week being created, where soon these millionaires may even outnumber those with Datukships, a formidable but still attainable target which Dodgee Con-Sultan Macc-Numb-Solutions stands ready to bring about in its support of Datuk’s anticipated affirmation of its inception. What amazing prosperity for the Malaysian rakyat!

I need to state my confidence that with this strategy by Dodgee Con-Sultan Macc-Numb-Solutions you will be the greatest Prime Minister of this great nation of ours, bringing upon this land peace, harmony and prosperity, and an informed society (through televised news and information).

I want to put on record my utmost loyalty to your esteemed leadership. Majulah sukan untuk negara.

Yang běnar,

Dodgee Dimsum


The Yum-Cha Chronicles:

(1) Apology - A letter to the minister
(2) Bloggers - A letter to the ministry
(3) Drama queens & kings wanted
(4) May 13 Book - a letter to the minister
(5) Appreciation - a letter to the minister
(6) Goblok to Golek - a letter to the minister
(7) MGR-ish makeover - a letter to a minister
(8) Bahasa Mělayu - a letter to Yang Běrhormat
(9) 'Convincibility' - A letter to Yang Amat Berhormat
(10) Political defections - a letter to a future PM

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