Monday, May 21, 2007

Bloggers - A letter to the ministry

Dodgee Cyber Solutions
3, Jalan Bodek
Taman Kamunting
Pulau Pinang

Yang Berhormat
Datuk Yusuf Go-Bells
Kementerian Penerangan


I refer to the timely and fatherly warning your ministry has issued to the press, advising them not to go beyond the time-tested social contract, that was agreed to by all parties in 1969 1957. Once again, we are grateful for your benevolent and appropriate guidance.

I applaud such frank and fearless reminders by your ministry, though you are likely to hear the usual detractors making unhelpful comments like, you have nothing to fear when you are in the ruling government with the police and its Special Branch right behind you. Some people can be so negative.

I believe a term that was first used by Spiro Agnew, former Vice President of the USA would apply fittingly to them, to wit, nattering nabobs of negativism. Never mind that Mr Agnew had to resign from his vice presidential post because of dodgy tax returns.

He was just unfortunate that I have not then opened a branch of my Dodgee Accounting firm in the States. I could have saved him his job, and he could have then gone on to become the President of America instead of Mr Clumsy. Anyway, I digress.

I have been appalled by the unnecessary and subversive reporting of a semi-fictitious event (May 13), that that insidious online news portal called malaysiakini had scandalously run for several inflammatory days.

I can assure you, Datuk, I do not read the provocative malaysiakini at all.

It was one of my shop assistants who informed me of the news item. No doubt she was skiving from her duties to surf the Internet, again. I bet she is one of those lying female bloggers. Well, it will not be long before she acquires the third qualification – an unemployed one.

The blogging phenomenon is such a wretched irritant, a mote in our nation’s eyes, but thanks be to the grace of the Almighty that not many, especially those in the ‘heartland’, have a PC or Internet access. In this, we or rather those people are spared those bloggers’ lies and grubby politicking.

Nonetheless, we need to watch those free spirited individualistic soul, who believed they are unrestrained by the world-wide ether-ness of the Net. I must admit the difficulty lies in finding out who they are and their intentions.

Incidentally may I introduce my new company called Dodgee Cyber Solutions. I can assist the ministry formulate strategies to ‘contain’ those free-spirited individuals who currently answer to no one or any organisation (save those who are already affiliated politically).

Of course you would already know the details and whereabouts of the DAP, PAS, PKR and various other opposition websites, so I am not addressing those. But it would be the free and non-aligned bloggers that could be the nightmare for our beloved country, basically loose cannons – unless we come up with a cyber-solution.

One possible and very simple yet unthought of solution would be to encourage them to form an association or club. Human nature is such those bloggers would want to congregate in close proximity.

Then the birds would be in our hands instead of in the proverbial bush. This is because once they form an association or club, they would need to register. And when they register with the Register of Societies (ROS), well, Datuk you got them nicely where you want them, by their gonads GB Ram.

There are some who operate under pseudonyms. But that in itself is not a problem. Many fear persecution* leading to prosecution so they could be motivated, yes, enticed to reveal themselves through registration. We could encourage them to do so with their true identity, with the threat that otherwise they will not be allowed to benefit from the association/club’s support.

* – my deepest apologies for using this nonsensical irrelevant word but that is what those bloggers say and we must play their game

How do we achieve this? Well, Datuk, one possible solution by Dodgee Cyber solution is quite straightforward. We send a few of our bloggers (trained, indoctrinated and sanitised by us of course) to infiltrate and eventually dominate the association. The optimised approach would be if we take the lead in forming the club. We put it that we want to protect them – the usual line of ‘unity is strength’.

It is a time honoured method and it works all the time. Before long, with some careful mental massaging, we could even get those bloggers to support the PPPA (I won’t use the full term as it may not be safe at this stage to do so, lest we scare the birds away).

Next step is to get our agents to play agent provocateurs. We could encourage them to be more political, like playing cosy politics with politically controversial personalities or lead them into political commitments, say for example, like making open statements as to who has been the better and more tolerant national leader.

Once they have involved themselves as a political bloc, we can either act against or better still, manipulate them to our political advantage, a situation which we currently have no control over. For example, when our man says 'Club Blogger ABC sokong Mat Kilau', the people would think every member of the club is of like mind, even though the declaration has been by one man only, but our man.

Those bloggers, many of whom are really sincere but naïve people but who require your firm but benevolent hands in guiding them into productive blogging (for the government of course), would not even know what hit them after they have registered.

They would be like the bumpkin farmer who traded his goose that lays the golden eggs for a luxurious jet plane, or was it a cornucopia of rice for a mere highly-depreciative Porsche – well, I am never good at those foreign sayings but I am sure you know what I mean, that superficially the tradeoff looks great but in reality the benefit is worse.

Imagine, trading their current individual freedom and no unreasonable restrain to become part of a mob, without any authority but all responsibilities and liabilities.

The solution to control the bloggers is so simple that I could cry at the anticipated outcome when we carry through the strategy.

I await Datuk’s kind evaluation of Dodgee Cyber Solutions proposal to configure your ministry’s strategy to control the loose cannon bloggers.

Malaysia Blogger 

Yang benar

Dodgee Dimsum

p/s apart from my companies for books, pharmaceutical, tax and cyber solutions, my other company Dodgee Electronics carries an impressive range of items that can be useful to your ministry’s capacity to monitor, intervene, and control or limit the use of the Internet.


  1. If I were the PM, I will immediately sack the current Info Minister for incompetence and appoint Mr Dodgee Dimsum as his replacement. That was exactly how the Bolsheviks overthrew the Czar of Russia in 1917

  2. Ha ha ha ktemoc. I was one of the early commentators (anon of course) at the brewery, saying what i already then thought was a bad idea (forming an assoc). Till today no one has yet answered satisfactorily why bloggers need to band together and nicely register with the authorities as a social club. Essentially, they are volunteering to do what is not (so far) required of them.
    This always reminds me of that cartoon strip People Unclear of the Concept...
    anon teehee

  3. dear Dodgee Dimsum,

    we appreciate your suggestion. in fact, the 'all-blog' organisation is part of our strategy to smoke 'em out. but we always welcome new ideas.

    the government also wishes to express their appreciation for the many letters u have written lately. it seems u have found a new hobby.

    lastly, the minister has asked me to convey that it's time u fire that shop assistant already.

    looking forward to your next open letter.


    b.p. Datuk Yusuf Go-Bells
    Kementerian Penerangan