The Great Gaza Land Grab: Trump’s imperialist Riviera fantasy — Che Ran

The Great Gaza Land Grab: Trump’s imperialist Riviera fantasy — Che Ran


Sunday, 09 Feb 2025 6:24 PM MYT


FEBRUARY 9 — There are fever dreams, and then there’s Donald Trump’s latest imperial daydream — the idea of turning Gaza into the next Palm Beach for white American retirees with deep pockets and an appetite for beachfront property where the locals have been, shall we say, “relocated.”

It is Manifest Destiny meets Vegas casino developer, with a touch of classic colonial delusion. This is Trump’s Great Gaza Heist, the kind of harebrained scheme that would make even the most deranged 19th-century missionary blink and go, “Mate, you’re taking this too far.”

Yes, if you thought the French Riviera had cornered the market on sun-soaked imperial fantasies, think again. Trump, freshly reinstated as America’s salesman-in-chief, has a new brochure to peddle:

“Welcome to Gaza: No Palestinians, No Problem.”

God, gold and the Gospel according to Donald

If Protestant capitalism had a mascot, it would be Trump — an unholy hybrid of a back-alley real estate hustler and a sweaty Southern preacher promising salvation for three easy payments.

A former Presbyterian (whatever that means in Trump-speak), he now brands himself a “non-denominational Christian,” which roughly translates to: “I don’t go to church, but evangelicals think I’m the second coming of Reagan.”

And he delivers. Evangelical America sees Trump not just as a guy who scammed his way into the presidency twice, but as a man on a holy mission. And what’s that mission?

To reclaim the Holy Land — one overpriced development project at a time.

Colonialism, but make it a timeshare.

The Trump Tower Gaza Edition

The plan, in its crude magnificence, follows a script ripped straight from America’s historical blooper reel:

1. Step One — bulldoze

2. Step Two — declare it an “economic opportunity zone”

3. Step Three — watch the billionaires move in

The only problem? There are still Palestinians in Gaza, which Trump sees as a minor inconvenience—like an unexpected zoning law or a stubborn tenant refusing to leave a rent-controlled apartment in Manhattan. His solution? Eviction. Except this one involves forced displacement on an industrial scale, a crime against humanity dressed up as an “urban renewal project.”

And where, exactly, are these displaced Palestinians supposed to go?

“They’ll have really good quality housing, like a beautiful town, like some place where they can live and not die,” Trump assures, presumably expecting Arab nations to pick up the tab.

You have to admire the sheer lunacy — this is a guy pitching forced exile as a real estate upgrade.



Displaced Palestinians cross the Netzarim corridor as they make their way to the northern parts of the Gaza Strip on February 9, 2025. — AFP pic



A long, stupid history of American colonisation fantasies

Of course, Trump isn’t the first American to roll up to Palestine with a suitcase full of bad ideas and a saviour complex the size of a megachurch.

The 19th century was full of Protestant zealots who saw the land as a divine fixer-upper, ripe for the taking. They arrived in the Holy Land armed with Bibles, farming tools, and a stunning lack of self-awareness.

The results? Catastrophic.

In 1820, Presbyterian missionaries set up shop in Palestine to “save the heathens.” The problem? Nobody was interested. Orthodox Christians, Muslims, and even Palestinian Jews took one look at these foreigners and promptly ignored them.

When conversion efforts failed, they pivoted to farming, hoping to teach the locals a thing or two about agriculture. The locals, who had been farming for thousands of years, were unimpressed.

By the late 19th century, more Americans gave it a shot. They built colonies in Jaffa. They tried to convert Jews and Muslims. They got robbed. They got attacked. They got malaria. And in what might be history’s greatest twist of karma, they got scammed by local landowners who sold them terrible plots of land.

One particularly ill-fated venture in 1866 involved 156 evangelical farmers from Maine led by a guy named George Washington Joshua Adams. They showed up, expected to be greeted as saviours, and were instead promptly outwitted by the Ottomans, who politely suggested they go back to where they came from. They left, tail between their legs, with many of them bankrupt, sick, and wondering why God had forsaken them.

Sound familiar?

Gold under the sand

But let’s not pretend Trump cares about biblical prophecy or the second coming of Jesus.

This isn’t about God. It’s about gas.

Off the coast of Gaza lie some of the largest untapped natural gas reserves in the region — billions of dollars’ worth of energy, just sitting there, waiting to be plundered.

For years, Israel has eyed these resources like a colonial pirate, trying to figure out how to steal them without too much global outrage. Enter Trump, the man who has never seen a natural resource he didn’t want to privatize.

So forget the rhetoric about “global citizenship” or “economic revitalisation.” This isn’t a development project. It’s a smash-and-grab.

It’s a corporate takeover, with missiles replacing merger deals and entire populations displaced so a handful of executives can get rich.

Colonial fantasies always end the same way

The wildest part? Trump actually believes this will work.

That somehow, after centuries of failed colonial projects, after decades of resistance, after multiple wars and intifadas, the people of Gaza will simply accept their new fate as an empty beach resort.

Benjamin Netanyahu, ever the opportunist, has called it a “remarkable idea.”

Which, to be fair, is exactly what you say when a lunatic proposes a scheme so audaciously dumb that it might actually help your own war crimes fly under the radar.

But history tells us how this ends:

Colonial schemes collapse.

Empires lose.

The locals don’t disappear.

They fight. They resist. They endure.

Trump’s Gaza Land Grab won’t be remembered as a brilliant economic revival plan.

It’ll be remembered the way all American colonial fantasies in the Middle East are remembered: as a cautionary tale of arrogance, greed, and a fundamental misunderstanding of history.

But hey, on the bright side — maybe in a hundred years, some overzealous billionaire will turn the ruins of Trump’s failed Gaza Riviera into a dystopian theme park.

‘Trump’s Holy Land Experience™️’

Step right up and ride the Ethnic Cleansing Coaster™️!

Enjoy the Great Wall of Annexation Maze, where you can try to escape, but spoiler alert — there’s no exit!

Don’t forget to grab a West Bank Whopper at the settler-colony-themed food court, where Palestinian cuisine is served under a different name.

And for the kids? A special immersive attraction called “Refugee Camp Reality,” where they can experience what it’s like to be bombed, displaced, and erased—all from the comfort of a VR headset!

Of course, entry is free for American billionaires — just show your offshore bank account.

For everyone else? No right of return.

History will bury this lunatic real estate scheme the way it always does — with failure, rebellion, and a footnote in the long, dumb story of colonial greed.

But the punchline?

The Palestinians will still be there.

And Trump?

He’ll just be another ugly statue getting toppled.