Rats repairing a pumpkin
Andrew Sia
SATIRE | Once upon a time, in a town far, far away, there was a school headmaster (HM) who was rumoured to have 1,000 kek lapis (layer cakes) in his huge home freezer.
The talk swirled for weeks that this happened after some rich parents had given him generous gifts. Perhaps for overlooking their kids' discipline problems. Who knows? But the HM remained silent because "he believed he had done nothing wrong".
Then a school board member made the issue public, describing in detail the flavours of the suspicious cakes – chocolate, pandan and petai. In response, the HM broke his silence and "explained" that he was keeping all those cakes only for his brother. Keluarga, you know.
"Yeah, maybe, but it's still wrong," pointed out one town resident. "The rules are clear that a HM is only allowed to keep 10 kek lapis at home. This avoids gossip that he is being fed with too much sweet stuff for doing sweet things".
Another resident noted, "Why is he saying this only now? He should have declared the kek lapis to the Cakes and Kuih Commission weeks ago."
"Hello, you mean if a wife discovers a woman's used lipstick in her husband's car, she should accept it if her husband claims that it belongs to his brother's girlfriend?" asks a third fellow.
Dua darjat culture
Despite all these arguments, support poured in for the HM. The school board chief declared he was "satisfied" that the HM had done nothing wrong. The three deputy HMs also proclaimed loyalty to their boss and their belief in his snow white innocence. This made him bolder.
Instead of being humble, the HM threatened the person who had blown the whistle on his controversial cakes. The residents were very disappointed. "Isn't this against the school's teachings?" they asked.
"For example, when any student sees their classmates hiding in the toilet to smoke, they are supposed to report it, right?"
"Oh, that only applies to the students," replied the HM. "You see, in our feudal dua darjat culture, we kayangan leaders sit far above such petty rules."
"But you are a civil servant," insisted a resident. "Your salary is paid by all of us, the good folks of this town."
To this, the HM replied. "Wrong. I am an uncivil servant who does not answer to the public. Because I have magical protection, by the power of Grayskull."
"Who the heck is Grayskull? Is he some kind of wizard?" asked a confused lady.
The HM replied, "It's not a person. It's a system, a Deep State of Empowerment, achieved after eating lots of cakes."
Religious support
This only caused the voices against the HM to grow louder. First, the other school board members clarified that their chief spoke as a lone ranger when "clearing" the HM, and they had nothing to do with it.
Secondly, the residents began demanding a free and fair investigation. They added: "Hello, this is not the first time hanky-panky has happened under this HM you know. 5,000 kek lapis went missing from the school canteen fridge last time."
To calm these agitated voices, the Minister of Honesty stepped in: "Aisay, don't worry laa. The school is very independent, it knows how to investigate itself." Upon hearing this, big smiles burst out on the faces of the HM and the three deputy HMs.
The HM insisted on staying in his job and refused to take leave pending a probe. So the residents protested: "How can a school examine itself? Especially when the HM can bully any teacher trying to ask questions?"
But these concerns did not matter, especially as the Minister of Honesty had "holy" support from PUS, a powerful religious group. One PUS leader claimed the accusations against the HM were just part of a "political plot" to weaken the good minister.
Then the top leader of PUS himself scolded the residents: "Our religion requires even the guilty to be respected. So you people should not simply speak out about wrongdoing."
"That is the sinful Western way!" he added. "We should instead follow our holy Asian way of sweeping things under the carpet!"
"Oh my God," said a resident. "You know, the more you guys struggle to defend this HM, the bigger the hole you are digging for yourselves. It's like tikus membaiki labu or rats repairing a pumpkin."
The minister explained, "Well, we are desperate. If this HM falls, what will happen to all the other uncivil servants? He represents our national culture of MACC – Mana Ada Cake Corruption."
SATIRE | Once upon a time, in a town far, far away, there was a school headmaster (HM) who was rumoured to have 1,000 kek lapis (layer cakes) in his huge home freezer.
The talk swirled for weeks that this happened after some rich parents had given him generous gifts. Perhaps for overlooking their kids' discipline problems. Who knows? But the HM remained silent because "he believed he had done nothing wrong".
Then a school board member made the issue public, describing in detail the flavours of the suspicious cakes – chocolate, pandan and petai. In response, the HM broke his silence and "explained" that he was keeping all those cakes only for his brother. Keluarga, you know.
"Yeah, maybe, but it's still wrong," pointed out one town resident. "The rules are clear that a HM is only allowed to keep 10 kek lapis at home. This avoids gossip that he is being fed with too much sweet stuff for doing sweet things".
Another resident noted, "Why is he saying this only now? He should have declared the kek lapis to the Cakes and Kuih Commission weeks ago."
"Hello, you mean if a wife discovers a woman's used lipstick in her husband's car, she should accept it if her husband claims that it belongs to his brother's girlfriend?" asks a third fellow.
Dua darjat culture
Despite all these arguments, support poured in for the HM. The school board chief declared he was "satisfied" that the HM had done nothing wrong. The three deputy HMs also proclaimed loyalty to their boss and their belief in his snow white innocence. This made him bolder.
Instead of being humble, the HM threatened the person who had blown the whistle on his controversial cakes. The residents were very disappointed. "Isn't this against the school's teachings?" they asked.
"For example, when any student sees their classmates hiding in the toilet to smoke, they are supposed to report it, right?"
"Oh, that only applies to the students," replied the HM. "You see, in our feudal dua darjat culture, we kayangan leaders sit far above such petty rules."
"But you are a civil servant," insisted a resident. "Your salary is paid by all of us, the good folks of this town."
To this, the HM replied. "Wrong. I am an uncivil servant who does not answer to the public. Because I have magical protection, by the power of Grayskull."
"Who the heck is Grayskull? Is he some kind of wizard?" asked a confused lady.
The HM replied, "It's not a person. It's a system, a Deep State of Empowerment, achieved after eating lots of cakes."
Religious support
This only caused the voices against the HM to grow louder. First, the other school board members clarified that their chief spoke as a lone ranger when "clearing" the HM, and they had nothing to do with it.
Secondly, the residents began demanding a free and fair investigation. They added: "Hello, this is not the first time hanky-panky has happened under this HM you know. 5,000 kek lapis went missing from the school canteen fridge last time."
To calm these agitated voices, the Minister of Honesty stepped in: "Aisay, don't worry laa. The school is very independent, it knows how to investigate itself." Upon hearing this, big smiles burst out on the faces of the HM and the three deputy HMs.
The HM insisted on staying in his job and refused to take leave pending a probe. So the residents protested: "How can a school examine itself? Especially when the HM can bully any teacher trying to ask questions?"
But these concerns did not matter, especially as the Minister of Honesty had "holy" support from PUS, a powerful religious group. One PUS leader claimed the accusations against the HM were just part of a "political plot" to weaken the good minister.
Then the top leader of PUS himself scolded the residents: "Our religion requires even the guilty to be respected. So you people should not simply speak out about wrongdoing."
"That is the sinful Western way!" he added. "We should instead follow our holy Asian way of sweeping things under the carpet!"
"Oh my God," said a resident. "You know, the more you guys struggle to defend this HM, the bigger the hole you are digging for yourselves. It's like tikus membaiki labu or rats repairing a pumpkin."
The minister explained, "Well, we are desperate. If this HM falls, what will happen to all the other uncivil servants? He represents our national culture of MACC – Mana Ada Cake Corruption."
ANDREW SIA is a veteran journalist who likes teh tarik khau kurang manis. You are welcome to give him ideas to brew at tehtarik@gmail.com.
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