A letter to Hasan Hau Siau

Malaysiakini - Hasan: DAP will merge M'sia, S'pore into republic.

Dear Hasan matey,

I don’t mean to rebut your holiness wakakaka, but when if (wakakaka) DAP takes over Putrajaya, I’ve been reliably informed (wakakaka) it’ll do the following:

(a) It will remove graft, making this national ailment its No 1 priority task, which, I have been warned, may cause a number of cardiac arrests, however in the right places, wakakaka.

(b) It will prevent non-tendering tender of crony-tendering [I admit it’s a bit of a mouthful wakakaka] to ensure that government contracts will be tendered a la the current Penang system which incidentally has seen Malays win 70% of Penang public contracts, proving once and for all that Malays are very boleh, especially when cronyism has been removed from blocking their chances.

However, at federal level in the futuristic scene we are now painting, there’ll be a problem similar to what is now experienced in Penang – the Malay winners of 70% of the tenders/contracts won’t all be from UMNO nor from their non-Malay cronies, wakakaka.

(c) It will strengthen the sanctity of our system of constitutional monarchy to prevent disrespectful politicians from vilifying the Malay rulers from the sarung-ized privileges of Parliament, as happened on 10 December 1992 when (according to the Hansard) Dr Affifuddin Omar, an UMNO man from Padang Terap, no doubt given the imprimatur by his party leaders, said in Parliament:

"How can we continue to uphold rulers who are known to be robbers, adulterers, drunkards and kaki pukul (thugs)?" [...]

"They (the rulers) must be made to realize that they do not own this country. They are not Superman but placed on their thrones by the people. "The real power did not lie with them, but with us - the representatives of the people."

(d) It will protect the position and sanctity of Islam as the nation’s official religion to prevent what had happened during the most holy month (August) of Ramadan in 2010, when our society suffered the lamentable distinction of witnessing, during Ramadan fasting, an astonishing series of lies emanating from some UMNO-linked Malay institutes, as well as a sinister attempt by a Muslim leader allied to UMNO (wakakaka) propagandizing about a fabricated ‘new constitution’ that would disadvantage the Malay community (yes, again blasphemously during Ramadan).

Most of all it will impose the severest penalty for failed politicians who show no respect to their religious beliefs by shamelessly indulging in fabrications of international intrigues to deliberately harm the interests of others.

(e) Finally, before I cause any more heart fibrillations, it will, hopefully on my recommendations, appoint Datuk Paduka Marina Mahathir as Malaysia’s High Commissioner to the Republic of Singapore, assuming DYMM SPB consents to the appointment and the Datuk Paduka herself accepts the job. I have also been warned that this may cause some misogynists, if they haven't suffered cardiac arrests already, to bang their heads on the wall (I hope so wakakaka).

Yours in joyous wakakaka,

kaytee