USS GERALD R. FORD: CLASSIFIED SHITTER REPORT

 

"Borrowed" from the FB page of:

I Fucking Love Australia 

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USS GERALD R. FORD: CLASSIFIED SHITTER REPORT

The World's Most Expensive Warship vs. The Humble Turd

Let's talk about the USS Gerald R. Ford. $13 billion dollars. The most expensive warship ever built in the entire history of human civilisation. Nuclear powered. Bristling with enough firepower to end countries. So technologically advanced it makes Star Trek look like a Bunnings (Home Depot) shed.

But it cannot handle human turd.

Not metaphorically. Literally. Right now, as the United States rattles its sabre at Iran and deploys its crown jewel of naval supremacy to the Middle East, 4,600 sailors are queuing for 45 minutes — FORTY FIVE ASS CLINCHING MINUTES — just to use the toilet. When the toilets are working. Which they increasingly are not.

HERE ARE THE NUMBERS AND THEY ARE REAL

650 toilets. 4,600 sailors. Zero urinals — on a ship that's 80% male — because someone decided urinals "take up too much space" on a vessel longer than the Eiffel Tower is fucking tall.

The sewage system? Borrowed from cruise ships. Carnival fucking Cruise Lines technology. On a nuclear warship. And here's the beautiful part: one broken valve takes out ALL the toilets in an entire department. One sailor flushes a mega turd — and suddenly 400 people have nowhere to go.

205 breakdowns in four days during the Venezuela deployment. That's one per hour. Engineers working 19-hour shifts. Just to manage the poo.

And the fix? A specialised acid flush. $400,000 a pop. That can only be performed at a US shipyard. They cannot fix it at sea. The most powerful warship on Earth has to sail home to unclog a grogan monster in its own toilet like a helpless homeowner calling a plumber at midnight.

The GAO told them the pipes were too narrow in 2020. The Navy said she'd be right. She was not right.

THE CATCH-22 THAT IRAN SHOULD PRINT ON A POSTER

To fix the toilets, they need to dock. But docking at a friendly Middle Eastern port could undermine the legal posture of the ship as an active threat to Iran. So to maintain the vibe of "we could bomb you at any moment," the crew has to keep swimming in their own problems.

The diplomacy of deterrence now depends on 4,600 people not being able to have a comfortable shit.

The Pentagon's official response? The "brown fountains" — their words — do not threaten combat capability.

Iran is sleeping fine.

FOR COMPARISON

The International Space Station: 1 toilet per 3 astronauts.

McDonald's: legally required to have more toilets per customer than this warship has per sailor.

The MCG on Grand Final day: comparable ratio. And that's considered a national embarrassment.

USS Gerald R. Ford, $13 billion, pride of the American Navy: dead last.

AND FINALLY, BECAUSE IT NEEDS TO BE SAID

"The United States has the most powerful military in the history of human civilisation. Aircraft carriers longer than the Eiffel Tower is tall. Nuclear weapons capable of ending cities. The most advanced fighter jets ever built.

And 4,600 sailors sharing 650 toilets — borrowed from a fucking cruise ship — standing in 45-minute queues to have a shit, while threatening to start a war with Iran.

"You genuinely cannot make this up."

EVERY SANE PERSON ON EARTH, FEBRUARY 2026