About my Muslims mateys

I was tickled pink by some aspects of RPK's article titled How to move backwards because it reminded me of my personal experiences with Muslim friends. I was drawn particularly to his following statements:

Have you noticed that some Muslims drink, gamble, do not fast or pray, or even take bribes, but they will not eat pork? Why do you think that is so? And would these fasiq Muslims dare declare that Prophet Muhammad never existed or that the Qur’an is a fake? They would rather die than do that blasphemous thing.

They may be the worst Muslims on earth but there are certain compromises they will not make.

I also recall RPK once writing about a visit overseas (perhaps to China?) where he related how some Muslims in his group made mucho noise about the likelihood of ham in their fried rice, but would at night unhesitatingly sought out other forms of haram 'food', Chinese 'ham' of a different and live variety which were ta pau (wrapped) in négligée, wakakaka.

Before I start my recollection, perhaps I might start off with what I learnt from a Pakistani mate down in Australia, that in some extreme/dire circumstances a pious Muslim can eat pork or even take alcohol; nay, in fact I would even say they MUST take pork and drink alcohol.

According to my matey Shamshad the Paki, it's a sin for a Muslim to die of hunger when there are food around, even the haram pork, say like being lost in a jungle where the only recognizable non-poisonous food around is the meat of wild pigs.

Shamshad stressed that a Muslim in such circumstances must eat whatever is available to survive because his duty as a Muslim to Allah swt is indeed to survive even when there is only haram food around. Drinking alcohol pertains to taking medicine of an alcoholic nature to survive or get better - again, it's his holy duty to survive.

My conversation with Shamshad and his enlightening Islamic views (for me) was triggered off by an American syiok-sendiri email-circular I received in my office email box. Do you know what's an American syiok-sendiri email-circular?

When President Ronald Reagan was foolishly sucked into the Middle-East conflict by Israel in the early 80's, the Yanks saw 241 of their citizens needlessly killed in Beirut on 23 October 1983 (comprising 220 US Marines, 18 USN sailors and 3 civilians). Yanks by nature of their national character want retribution but their lust for revenge on that event more than 30 years ago could not be easily fulfilled. They were frustrated by their government's lack of action in retaliating but how could Reagan retaliate and not make a bad situation in the first place become worse?

So the USA's greatest 'Communicator' (Ronald Reagan of course) instituted a syiok-sendiri fantasy, namely, of sending 'Rambo' to Beirut. Yes, you got it right, Reagan somehow (I suppose being a great 'Communicator' - can you think of any Malaysian politician with his oratory glib skills? wakakaka) chong-ed his vengeful citizens kau kau by suggesting the despatch of a fictitious character to sort the Islamic Jihad organization.

Reagan's syiok-sendiri suggestion so caught the imagination of a frustrated (but moronic) American public that had hundreds of thousands of them wearing T-shirts with the slogan "Send Rambo to Beirut".

Subsequently, whenever Yanks wanted to masturbate away their frustrations at being unable to kill or apprehend their enemies, they would indulge in such syiok-sendiri fantasies. The one I showed Shamshad was allegedly about General Pershing and his role as military governor of the US-colonized Moro Province in the Philippines, as follows:

One important thing to remember is that Muslims detest pork because they believe pigs are filthy animals. Some of them simply refuse to eat it, while others won't even touch pigs at all, nor any of their by-products. To them, eating or touching a pig, its meat, its blood, etc., is to be instantly barred from paradise and doomed to hell.

Just before World War I, there were a number of terrorist attacks against the United States and it's interests by, you guessed it, Muslim extremists.

So General Pershing captured 50 of the terrorists and had them tied to posts execution style. He then had his men bring in two pigs and slaughter them in front of the, now horrified, terrorists.

The soldiers then soaked their bullets in pigs blood, and proceeded to execute 49 of the terrorists by firing squad.

The soldiers then dug a big hole, dumped in the terrorist's bodies and covered them in pig blood, entrails, etc.

They let the 50th man go. And for about the next 42 years, there was not a single attack by a muslim fanatic anywhere in the world.

Apart from Shamshad laughing it off the syiok-sendiri bullshit, the site about Urban Legend has this to say:

Analysis: I consulted Dr. Frank E. Vandiver, professor of history at Texas A&M University and author of Black Jack: The Life and Times of John J. Pershing, and asked if there's any truth to the above, and he responded via email that in his opinion the story is apocryphal.

"I never found any indication that it was true in extensive research on his Moro experiences," Vandiver wrote. "This kind of thing would have run completely against his character."

Similarly, I've been unable to find any evidence corroborating the claim that Muslims believe that "eating or touching a pig, its meat, its blood, etc., is to be instantly barred from paradise and doomed to hell." It is true that Islamic dietary restrictions, like those of Judaism, forbid the eating or handling of pork because pigs are considered unclean. But according to Raeed Tayeh of the American Muslim Association in North America, the notion that a Muslim would be denied entrance to heaven for touching a pig is "ridiculous." A statement from the Anti-Defamation League characterizes the claim as an "offensive caricature of Muslim beliefs."

Lastly, John J. Pershing was born near Laclede, Missouri — not Mississippi.

Okay, now on to my personal experiences., Once I went steady with a Malay sweetie - in my younger days lah, which shows that kaytee is multiracial wakakaka.

One night she wore the most delectable mini-iest of mini-skirt which showed off her long yummy legs. Though we went 'steady' for more than a couple of years, I still couldn't help but kept glancing at those twin pillars of perfection, wakakaka.

Sensing the object of my new found attraction, she misinterpreted my ogling and explained, "Sayang, we Muslim women have to cover up our bodies properly in public."

Huhhhh? I thought she was pulling my pillars of imperfection, but I soon realized she was serious, which was when I became totally confused by her words.

Somehow my sweetheart again sensed my confusion but again misinterpreting it incorrectly said, "Sayang, that's why I have no choice but to wear the stockings."

Stockings? Of course I couldn't detect their presence on her lovely legs as they were of the most sheer (virtually transparent) material. And to assuage my disbelief that her gorgeous legs were indeed 'covered up' properly, my sweetheart allowed me to check it out that there were stockings on those pillars of perfection, wakakaka.

And of course being a supportive boyfriend, I told her how proud I was of her being a good Muslim in observing the need for proper clothing, wakakaka.

My second story, a very brief one, was about Latifah. Latifah was the absolutely gorgeous wife of my best matey when I was working at a department in KL. She was the one who brought me together with my sweetheart (the one with the gorgeous legs described above). Before my matey married Latifah, we would usually date as a foursome.

One day at an unofficial office function, prior to partaking of the food, the imam performed the prayers of blessing. As a non-Muslim I stood quietly in attention as a mark of respect, and just so happened to catch Latifah's eyes. I noticed that while every other Muslim was in deep communion with Allah swt, Latifah and hubby (my matey) weren't. When she saw me looking at them, started to smirk. It was most fortunate at that precise moment that the imam finished his prayers because I sensed Latifah was about to burst out giggling.

My last story for this post is about another office mate, Hussein. Hussein hated dogs because as he informed me, the canines were considered by Muslims as dirty creatures. He hunted all sorts of dogs, not with a gun or bow and arrow, but with his Toyota Landcruiser, usually at night and on lonely roads and lanes. On spying any unfortunate dog, whether a stray or owned, he would pretend (to the dog) to cruise on nonchalantly but suddenly served and accelerated towards the creature when he was sure it couldn't evade his attack. He killed more than two dozen dogs in that Mad Max style.

One night while we were fishing at night by a lonely stretch of a coast, there was a terrific thunderstorm, complete with explosive thundering and sheet-white lightning. That was when I found Hussein cowering behind me, hugging me like we were at Brokeback Mountain. Naturally I shove him away with a WTF man!

I was even more shocked when he whimpered "Please please kaytee, Im scared."

I asked what he was scared of and he replied 'twas the retribution of Allah swt.

What retribution? Hussein finally confessed after much prompting from me, "It's those dogs I murdered. Allah swt must be extremely angry with me!"

Well .....!