The typical idyllic scene in an older part of Suburbia – a kedai kopi (coffee shop or in reality just a stall) beneath a Malaysian ‘buah cherry’ tree. The customers sit al fresco enjoying their coffee or tea, some nasi lemak, roti canai or kueh, and their favourite hobby, casual conversation.
Muthu: Oy Ah Leong, arneh gau char*, who’s your friend?
* wow, very commendable you’re so early
Leong: My cousin Ah Beng – he’s from Singapore.
Ahmad: Selamat datang ke Malaysia, Muthu has great kasi kandar here for breakfast today – you won’t get this in Singapore.
Ah Beng: Thanks, I’ll have some of that. Leong brought me here specifically for Muthu's speciality. I couldn’t resist after he sang praises of Muthu’s fare all week long.
They tucked into the fantastic nasi kandar, kopi-o-peng and teh ais that only Penang has (of the right quality).
Ahmad: Ah Beng, you guys want to buy sand from us eh?
Ah Beng (embarrassed): Of course, but the chenghu* didn’t demand for it, you know. I understand it was offered to us by you guys.
Leong: That’s what the ole man accuse our gomen* of.
* chenghu = gomen
Ahmad: One of the tok ampu's denied that but the old man challenged him to show official documents that said the chenghu wanted the sand. The old man knows he couldn’t.
Leong: Why all the twists and turns eh?
Muthu: Look, Leong, take nasi kandar as a valuable commodity. Suppose the old man had stopped me from selling nasi kandar to Ah Beng here – let’s say Ah Beng also happens to be my immediate neighbour - and you are an enterprising businessman with all the connections, and you want to corner the kasi kandar market that can be sold to Ah Beng and his relatives. How do you convince me to go against the old man’s policy of not selling nasi kandar to Ah Beng?
Leong: I would say you bloody sell to Ah Beng.
Muthu: That’s why you are still sitting here eating nasi kandar. Now, to be fair to you, perhaps I haven’t reveal all the settings. Let’s say that I want to put a plank across the longkang to Ah Beng’s house. Ah Beng has already agreed it’s OK long ago. Suppose, in order to convince everyone why you had to go against the old man’s policy of not selling nasi kandar to Ah Beng, you claimed that Ah Beng said no to the plank-across-longkang unless you sell him the nasi kandar.
Leong: Er … OK, but what if Ah Beng let the cat out of the bag and said he didn’t ask for it? Afterall, you just said Ah Beng had OK-ed the plank-across-longkang step.
Ahmad: Good lah Leong, at least you’re listening despite that hot babe just walking across.
Leong (startled): Karn neen nay lah, where, where?
Muthu: Alamak, ignore Ahmad’s red herring lah.
Ahmad: Oy, plenty of that these last few days – makes you wonder why we don’t Malaysian-ise it by terming that phrase as ‘buang gelama merah sini sana’.
Leong: Is there such a thing as a red gelama?
[ikan gelama = Common Brown Jewfish or Sciaena dussumieri]
Ahmad: Aiyah, you’re missing the point, Ah Leong.
Muthu: Dei ‘mad, stop confusing him OK? Look, Leong, to prevent Ah Beng from spilling the beans, you involve him by requesting that he ask for the nasi kandar!
Leong: Why would he? Easier said than done lah.
Ahmad: Don’t think so, when you Ah Leong, in Muthu’s hypothetical scenario, will be the most powerful Tai Koh in the future, if you aren’t already. So Ah Beng will be quite happy to ampu and play ball with you. It’s Ah Beng’s very clever strategic investment.
Leong: OK, then why no more plank and all longkang now, with the old man mad as hell.
Muthu: Dei tambi, let’s imagine that Ahmad here is from Johor …
Ahmad: PORRah, I’m born and bred Penang lah.
Muthu: ‘mad, jangan ganggu cerita saya OK? Nah, t'niah limpeh kar lu kong*, Ahmad of Johor doesn’t want to allow Ah Beng to get the nasi kandar because of whatever reasons … perhaps ta’syiok Ah Beng or he smells your deceitful conspiracy to corner the kasi kandar market … or whatever. Anyway he makes noise … screws up your grand business plan. So, before the noise gets noisier, you abandon the idea of the plank-across-longkang project.
* listen to what I have to say
Leong: What for, just drop off the nasi kandar part lah.
Muthu: Cannot, because then Ah Beng would look like an idiot, a paper tiger. Worse, the conspiracy would be blown wide open. So batal semua, and mitigate later.
Leong & Ahmad: Wah Muthu, we’re worried about you, using words like ‘mitigate’. Why didn’t you put yourself up for the recent aneh party elections?
Muthu (smiles): Cannot also, am a Dalit lah
Ah Beng: Wah, kau peh men*, this is tua chia lart** type of conspiracy lah, worse than aliens kidnapping people.
* just terrible - ** drastic
No comments:
Post a Comment