The long & short of 'tambis'

It's not size, it's what you do with it that matters

- Sunil Mehra

Dear Lakhbir,

I am sorry to hear that you’re feeling somewhat … er … diminished. I understand how you believed you have been … er … short-changed by that survey. Don’t let that information … er … cut you down to size. It’s a small … ooops ... tiny … er (fuck!) … puny ... sorry .. I mean ... inconsequential revelation.

Indeed I question the 2-year survey by the Indian Council of Medical Research involving a sampling of some 1,200 men in India which found that condoms made according to international sizes are too large for a majority of Indian men.

Yes, I realise that you are depressed because the study found more than half of the men measured had penises that were shorter than international standards for condoms. Hey, cheer up Bai, the other 50% are still OK and could well be still ... er ... maharaja-ish!

OK, some practical recommendations have come up, including a call for condoms of mixed sizes to be made more widely available in India.

Damn the scientists for even checking that their meager sampling was representative of India as a whole in terms of class, religion and urban and rural dwellers, which means the brothers in Punjab were not excluded from the … er … stunted status.

Hmmm, I wonder whether the gradual switch by Bais from a diet of milk, vegetable masala, paratha, desi ghee, Mah Di Dal and Saron Da Saag to modern cholesteral-conscious petite diet of Italian olive oil, salmon and Thai jasmine rice had brought about the … er … contracted state? Or would it be the whiskeys and beers?

The Indian Council of Medical Research has been cruelly ruthless in declaring, what you would have considered as, its trifling finding that 60% of Indian men have penises which are between three and five centimetres shorter than international standards used in condom manufacture.

This is not only outrageous but embarrassing when Bais are supposed to be Big, Strong and … well, you know what. But Lakhbir, do tell me, your best pal, confidentially whether the reputed size of Bai's ding-a-ling had been an exaggerated and inflated fable all this while?

I read that Doctor Chander Puri, a specialist in reproductive health at the Indian Council of Medical Research, said there was an obvious need in India for custom-made condoms, as most of those currently on sale are too large.

The worrying and very serious aspect in this ... er ... consideration is that one in every five condoms used in India either slips off (oops) or tears (due to loose fitting), with an extremely high failure rate. And the country already has the highest number of HIV infections of any nation.

But hey Lakhbir, no worries mate, Sunil Mehra, the former editor of the Indian version of the men's magazine Maxim, has encouraging news. He said Indian men need not be concerned about measuring up internationally.

He said: "It's not size, it's what you do with it that matters. From our population, the evidence is Indians are doing pretty well.”

But what about the Godzilla philosophy you've often quoted, that "size matters"?

Maybe for an improvement to your 'tambi' you need a dietary reversion from jasmine rice to chapati!

See you shortly … er … I mean … soon.

Regards,

KT

p/s You have known me, your childhood pal, for years as KT (Kay-Tee) but in your depressed, dejected and diminished frame of ... er ... mind, my signing off as 'KT' may be insensitive on my part as you may come to believe I'm ribbing you by suggesting it stands for King-size Tongkat. Sorry.