Doctor is in - by appointment only!

Maybe there’s hope afterall for our money and racist politics. As we all know, it’s not healthy spewing racist vitriol openly, like threatening people with the stings of tebuans (hornets’) or waving keris (Malay daggers) if they questioned citizenship rights and other stuff. Nor is it illegal carrying lots of money in paper bags and chucking these around in party headquarters, or if not in the headquarters itself, then behind the building at the kedai kopi (coffee shop). 

We need to move all those provocative and illegal stuff out of the public arena, and confine the political jostling to the arena of the occult, like little boys do with their Nintendo or Play Station thingies. 

For example, meet Encik Awang Mohd Yahya. He’s a bomoh (Malay shaman or if you’re the crude type, a witch doctor). 

Mind you, he’s not just a bomoh, but a famous ‘bomoh politik’. As an analogy to his ‘specialisation’, we could have an ordinary GP, like Dr KTemoc MBBS (University Malaya in 1957, please!).

Then we could have Mr KTemoc MBBS (University Malaya, ditto the year of graduation emphasized above), FRCS (Crimea State Medical College of Surgeons), BAPAK (Universiti Bandung). 

Oh by the by, note the Doctor KTemoc and Mr KTemoc - the former is a general practitioner while the latter is of course a specialist - a quirky aspect in the history of the British surgeon. 

Encik Awang Mohd Yahya, or should it be Doktor Awang Mohd Yahya, specialises in sure-fire political success. He informed Malaysiakini that his services were often sought by politicians when UMNO elections or general elections approach. He declared that in 2004, several candidates vying for top posts in UMNO party had sought his help. 

He said: “Politicians with high ambitions want to win. They want people to listen to what they say and hope that with the help of bomohs, they will be chosen.” 

“Not only UMNO and UMNO Youth leaders come looking for me but also Puteri UMNO leaders.” Well, he certainly didn’t discriminate against gender or age. An equal opportunity enlightened bomoh. Naturally he couldn’t reveal names – patient-witch doctor’s confidence, you know. 

And this is the best part, Doktor Awang said those seeking his services had been even leaders from opposition PAS and Parti Keadilan Rakyat (PKR), as well as non-Malays (could it be MIC and MCA? Or perhaps even DAP?). 

Our nation is most certainly multi-ethnic and multi-cultural, united in our faith in the good ole bomoh. But he advised politicians to be cautious when engaging the services of a bomoh, especially those who charge astronomical and ludicrous payments. 

“People know that when politicians are about to contest in an election, they are willing to throw money around and this is when fake bomohs take advantage of them.” 

There you have it - CAVEAT EMPTOR! Politicians are usually charged between RM1,000 and RM10,000. The most common request was to ensure victory for a particular election. 

I wonder what else could the request be for a bomoh politik? Being the clever doctor he is, he sneaked in a clause, saying that bomohs can only play a role in influencing events to a certain extent. The rest is decided by God. 

Amin to that, though what about the voters?